33 Humorous Quotes on Life for Speeches and More
Need a witty line for the next presentation? Here are some humorous quotes on life to get you started
A snappy quote, when used appropriately, can be a potent tool not just in a speech, but also in any communication in life.
It gets your point across with fewer words, makes your message more memorable, and also doubles up as a great opening or ending line. Not too bad with just a sentence or two.
But, you know what’s an even better quote?
It’s a quote that makes people laugh instantly and then go, ‘Hmm…’, as they ponder over it for the next couple of minutes.
Below is a collection of humorous quotes about life that arguably fits this description.
I hope they’ll tickle your funny bone as much as they have tickled mine!
Humorous Quotes on Life 1
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Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
– Bob Thaves -
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
– P. J. O’Rourke -
If there are any of you at the back who do not hear me, please do not raise your hands because I am also nearsighted.
– W. H. Auden -
When I want to end relationships, I just say, ‘I want to marry you so we can live together forever.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks.
– Rita Rudner -
I once bought a cellphone that had a little sticker on the box that said DO NOT EAT PACKAGING MATERIAL. There went another freebie snack at the office.
– Andreas Skau -
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. Two people can dig a lot faster than one.
– Mister Boffo -
A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.
– Irvin S. Cobb -
Operator: Is this an average size bill for you?
Customer: I think so…it’s usually around 3″ by 5″.– Anonymous -
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you dislike?
– Jean Cocteau -
If you don’t disagree with me, how will I know I’m right?
– Samuel Goldwyn -
She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.
– Bob Fosse
Humorous Quotes on Life 2
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I believe that every human being has a finite allocation of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
– Neil Armstrong -
Prayer of the modern American:
‘Dear God, I pray for patience.
And I want it right now!’– Oren Arnold -
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
– Ashleigh Brilliant -
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
– Jim Samuels -
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
– Stanley Randall -
When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’
– Sydney J. Harris -
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
– George Carlin -
I am not eccentric. It’s just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish.
– Edith Sitwell -
When asked how long I’ve worked here, I replied, ‘Since the day they threatened to fire me.’
– Anonymous -
Sometimes I envy undertakers. They only have to deal with the customer once.
– Gene Perret -
The Five Stages of Stardom:
‘First: Who is Tommy Steele?’
‘Second: Get me Tommy Steele.’
‘Third: Get me a Tommy Steele lookalike.’
‘Fourth: Get me a younger Tommy Steele.’
‘Fifth: Who is Tommy Steele?’
– Tommy Steele
Humorous Quotes on Life 3
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Chastity is curable, if detected early.
– Graffitto -
A consultant is someone you pay a hundred dollars an hour to give you the same advice you ignore from your assistant.
– Robert Orben -
I won’t tell you what he did, but even my shock-proof watch was embarrassed!
– Anonymous -
A neurotic is the man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the man who collects the rents.
– Robert Webb-Johnstone -
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.
– Van Buren -
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, ‘Is someone sitting there?’ just say, ‘No one — except the Lord.’
– Carol Leifer -
Meetings…are rather like cocktail parties. You don’t want to go, but you’re cross not to be asked.
– Jilly Cooper -
It is no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.
– Jackie Mason -
A friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
– Elbert Hubbard -
Son: Do you want to be buried, Mum? Or shall we have you cremated?
Mother: Oh, I don’t know love. Surprise me!– Deric Longden -
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
– Woody Allen
Know a funny quote? Share it with the world in the comments! Thanks!
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